The “disease to please” has infected many females. There are evolutionary purposes to need a tribe for safety and security. In modern times, feeling compelled to be liked and accepted can easily lead us to violating our own boundaries for the sake of pleasing someone else.
In every relationship I have, the common denominator is ME. The first place I am going to explore in this blog series is boundaries with our Self. We can easily be our own worst enemy. We can pull back in relationships when we need to lean in. We can over-rely on our willpower to solve boundary problems.
In the book, Boundaries, the author tells us we have an “out of control soul” that violates boundaries which include:
1. Weight – “The overweight person feels enormous self-hate and shame about her condition.” The unhealthy ways we comfort ourselves with food. The intimacy we avoid by gaining weight.
2. Money—Avoiding honesty about emotional imbalances through “retail therapy.” The debtor becomes the slave.
3. Time – Always running late and making others wait. Causes include: belief of omnipotence, over-responsible for the feelings of others, lack of realistic anxiety, rationalization.
4. Task Completion—Poor finishers struggle with: resistance to structure, fear of success, lack of follow-through, distractability, inability to delay gratification, inability to say NO to other pressures.
5. Tongue—Using words as a curse instead of a blessing include: Nonstop talking to avoid intimacy, dominating conversations, gossip, fake flattery. Not being able to hold our tongue still makes us responsible for the hurtful things we say in anger.
There are two areas where I have had to practice implementing boundaries. First, when I made a decision to get my body to a healthy sustainable weight, I realized that tracking my food intake and documenting my exercise was my path to success. When I ignore my calorie boundaries, the weight slowly slips back on until my clothes are too tight. I am then forced to recommit to my tracking system. After resisting temptation for chocolate treats for so long, I get tired of resisting once I reach my goal. I continue to learn that by eating within my limitations, I can reach my goal of a sustainable healthy weight.
Second, I made a decision that I will be debt-free. I had laser-like focus to quickly pay off my lingering student loans. I documented every penny against what I had allocated. I have been on a budget for years. When extra money comes, I still have to fight the impulse to not splurge. I remind myself that budget boundaries allow me to save so I can have a financially secure future.
I am responsible for drawing the line for my personal boundaries with my Self. It is okay to be healthy and within my ideal weight range. It is not okay for my clothes to be tight and uncomfortable. It is okay to have an automatic system that ensures financial health and to live within a designated flexible budget. It is not okay to carry debt. These are my personal boundaries. What are yours?
Reflect & Share: Which of the five areas do you struggle with maintaining (or implementing) boundaries?
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