I love the role of the Pack Leader. Clear expectations help people feel safe. One thing I learned from having a dog is that implementing boundaries comes with initial resistance. Just like dogs, when people are blocked from having things their way, the boundary is tested for weaknesses. There is a series of strategies that are deployed to figure out a way to NOT respect the new boundary.
The new boundary can be overcome.
Loopholes will be identified.
Creative tactics will be dug out.
This is the seventh blog in a series based on the book, Boundaries. This week, we will be looking at “Drawing the Line” with Resistors. In the previous blogs, we addressed boundaries with our self, kids, marriage, and family. This covers most of the people who will be celebrating the holidays with us. When “Drawing the Line,” we define the boundaries to ourselves and we communicate where the limit is of what we are willing to do.
Just as dogs are creative in finding alternative ways to not respect boundaries, humans use their own tactics to have the new boundary withdrawn. The book, Boundaries, identifies how the Resistors can push back on the line.
It is no secret that people generally do not like change. They especially don’t like YOUR change that negatively affects THEM. Instead of adapting, the Resistors try to get you to NOT change by implementing three popular strategies.
1. Angry Reactions: “How dare you disturb my world with your changes.”– Anger could manifest itself into the adult temper-tantrum with grown-up words to express disagreement. This is an intimidation tactic from selfish individuals. “People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem.”
2. Guilt Messages: “Sad face and whimpering.” – Instead of directly confronting disagreement with boundaries, manipulative people will try to use guilt to make you feel bad. The hope is that you will feel so bad you will remove the boundary that they don’t like. Tip: Do not explain or justify your reasoning.
3. Counter-Moves: “My way or you’re cut off” –Freedom from someone who wants to control you comes at a cost. You may get ignored and uninvited to family get-togethers. When you stop playing the family’s dysfunctional games, you may get cut from the group. A controller may leave a relationship when they no longer have power over you.
Boundaries allow for respect of yourself and for other people. When we start “Drawing the Line” with Resistors, we teach people how to treat us so we can be the Pack Leader in our own lives.
Reflect & Share: What boundaries are you getting push-back on?
Like. Subscribe. Share. Comment.
Get the Book (buy)